EXCERPTS FROM THE FELINE BOOK OF ETIQUETTE
Vol 1
(it should be noted that there are eight more volumes, one for each life!)
Authorized version by C.M.
(cement mixer - My cat, on the grounds that it's purr is so loud)
1. A cat is always right!!
2. Do not presume to imagine that we are equal!
3. You do not own me, I will tolerate you at best.
4. You may pet me upon approval by me, indicated by me actually acknowledging your existence! I might even look at you! Remember, a cat can look at a king but nobody ever authorized the king to look at a cat!
5. If a rodent should enter the domicile, do not imagine for one minute, that it is my responsibility to dispose of it! You should be honored that I am actually cohabitating with you and I may condescendingly decide to assist but never take it for granted.
6. NEVER laugh at a cat, this can ruin its street cred! And this is why if we are caught doing something foolish by YOUR standards, we will turn our back on you and proceed to wash ourselves, indicating that whatever we just did, we did on purpose for our own amusement. NEVER ASSUME THAT IT WAS FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT!
7. REMEMBER! The Egyptians worshiped cats NOT dogs!
8. On extremely rare and exceptional circumstances, you may be granted honorary status as a cat person. I suggest you do not let this status go to your head as it can be revoked at any time without appeal! Just because you are a cat person, does not give you equal rights as for a bloodborne cat.
9. When you are approached by a cat, you will immediately stop what you are doing and pay attention! When I honor you by headbutting and thereby marking your head with my scent, I will forgive you if you do not immediately drop to your hands and knees in obeisance but it should be treated with dignity and reciprocated immediately!
10. NEVER initiate a headbutt, what makes you think that I want your scent on me? Especially without my approval!
11. You will feed me on time, every time and even at moments that I demand it, regardless of what you happen to be doing at the time! Do you really think I CARE whether you are busy or not?
12. I TAKE PRIORITY!!!
FINALLY A WORD OF CAUTION!!!!
Cats bear grudges and we have nine lives, YOU ONLY HAVE ONE!!